7 Things · Travels · US 2012

How to board a freaking plane!

This is for everyone that will ever transport themselves from one place to another in something we call an airplane.

There are quite often plenty of people who are getting on the same plane as you, and to be honest there are smart ways to board a plane and there are less smarter ways to board a plane. So when the nice ground staff calls out that it is time to start boarding and that anyone with small children are welcome first, we all sit there crossing our fingers that no one will show up, as we all want children free flights.

After that, or at the same time as that we have first class, business and all those with flashy frequent flyer cards – no, none of us like them. It’s we against them, of course the day we are them then it’s we against the other them, you know the them that used to be us.

And then, after all that it is the rest of us and here come the best part:

CHAOS!

Unless you are flying with some cheap 5th class airline, you will have a numbered seat. If you are at the gate on time the aircraft will not depart without you. If for some reason you are the last person to board the flight and there’s no place for your carry-on, the crew will not make you leave it they will sort things out for you. So when the ground staff announce boarding for the last ten rows, you aren’t doing anyone a favour by thinking you are smart sneaking in early when you are sitting in the first ten rows of economy class.

Firstly, everyone will notice because you will stop in the middle of the aisle, take forever to get your bag up in the overhead locker and then still stand there while you are taking our jacket off. In the mean time, all the people who are actually sitting in the last ten rows of the plane is standing behind you waiting to get past and seated.

At the same time the staff at the gate figure that the people for the back of the plane has now made it so far back that they can let on the people for the middle part of the plane. Unfortunately some smart person delayed the first ten rows so now the second group of ten rows is also delayed and if one is really lucky there’s some smart arse with the second batch as well and thus the line is stuck outside the plane and the boarding take forever.

So how do you board the plane?

  1. Be on time at the airport so you don’t have to piss of your fellow travellers by getting ahead in security (pay for business or become a frequent flyer for this kind of behaviour).
  2. Be on time at the gate. If the bar you are in doesn’t have speakers, set your alarm for when boarding is about to start. If you want to shop, take the stores that are in the same direction as your gate, this to save yourself from being on the other side of the very large airport when it’s time to board.
  3. When boarding starts, wait for your turn to board. Don’t start lining up before the boarding call is made, this will just annoy you when so many other people get to board ahead of you and suddenly you feel entitled to sneak on early.
  4. Once on the plane, try to move away from the aisle towards the windows, this way the people behind you can get past you and further into the plane.
  5. Don’t bring a carry-on that is heavier than what you can lift. If you have to stand in the middle of the plane looking sad and small to get someone to lift the bag up for you, then you packed too much and are probably in the way.
  6. If you have the outer seat, there are two empty seats next to you, plenty of people on the plane, then don’t sit down, put your seatbelt on and fall asleep until those two seats are filled and boarding completed. Waking up strangers are never fun.
  7. Just don’t be in the way.

It was nice to get all that frustration out, thank you for reading and have a happy boarding the next time you are flying.

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