When I woke up this morning it was to the fact that my father is no longer alive. My first inclination was to write no longer with us, that is not true! He will always be with us! He is just not here in person anymore.
I don’t think that my brain has completely understood that he is gone, that there will be no more online chatting with him, that there will be no more hugs, no more of his silly jokes, no more beers on the balcony or at the pub, no more visits by him and mum in Malmö – only mum, there will be no more phone calls to him when boys are being mean to me, there will be no more fighting over the remote control, no more daddy!
Logically I understand that he is gone! My brain contains the image of his body after his soul had left it, both last night in the hospital and then again today when we went to the hospital chapel together to say good-bye again. After that me and my sister went for a lunch date with my best friends, that was planned from before, and had the perfect escape from what just happened. I realized during that time that stop yourself from saying ‘mum and dad’ and instead just say mum, is not as easy as one can think. To remember to use past tense rather than present when talking about your dad will also take some time to get used to, all of this being a part of the normal mourning process I assume.
My father has been sick for a little more than two years, and there have been some close calls before. At least me have spent time on being bitter at the world for my dad getting sick. I have been angry because there are people out there that don’t care about themselves or other people, and they get to go through life unopposed while my dad who has touched so many lives and cared for so many, gets a disease that slowly over a long period of time has broken him down in everything except for mind and spirit. I have been sad thinking about a life without him in it and had little cries when by myself of the time to come when I can’t turn to him when I feel the need.
Right now, not even 24 hours after his passing, I don’t feel bitterness, I don’t feel anger, I feel sadness over the years to come without him, I feel relief! He fought long and hard because he wanted to live He fought long and hard because he didn’t want to leave his girls; me, my mother, my sister, my two nieces – we are plenty of girls and he hung in there for us. He fought so long and hard that life became more of a burden than joy and therefore I feel relief that he finally let go, that he finally doesn’t have to fight anymore, that there is no more pain for him. He fought so long and hard for us that he deserves the peace without any guilt for leaving us.
When someone you love passes you need to remember the good times, the man who passed not that many hours ago was very different from the person that was my daddy, my dad, my father, min pappa. I started to remember the good times before he passed, for a while I felt ashamed for starting to miss him before he was gone, now I feel relived that I did because I have a long list of good things to remember.
- I remember all the times my dad took me to the doctor for yet another ear infection or tonsillitis, once he told me off for waiting to long with telling him that I was in pain. My eardrum burst while we where waiting for the doctor, which according to him meant that I should have called him at work rather than wait until he got home!
- I remember the valentine’s day the year I turned 30, when I was home at my parents completely heartbroken and disillusioned when it came to men due to a nasty one. My dad went out for an errand and came home with a rose, or roses, for my mother. He then came into the room that I live in when with my parents and gave me one too, because all his ladies deserved roses on valentine’s day. That rose is standing in my bedroom, and every time I see it, it reminds me that there are good ones out there.
- I remember when I was a poor student in New Zealand and via MSN would ask my dad if I could borrow 50kr to go for a beer with my friends, and he would put 100 into my account, tell me to have one for him as well. Knowing that 50 would last more than well…and it was never a loan!
- I remember all the weekend mornings that he got up early to drive me to and from my orienteering competitions, and also how the night before I had to call a guy that went to a class a year above me in school, why? His parents didn’t drive him to the competitions, he was to proud to ask for a ride, my dad made me call and offer!
- I remember when I had friends over and I would go to the bathroom, when I came back out they wouldn’t be in my room anymore they would be upstairs talking to my dad. He didn’t mind! Sometimes I would wonder if they were friends with me for me or for him.
- I remember how he, on his own birthday, drove three hours to get my sister and then three hours back, because he loved his daughter and she needed to be home.
- I remember how he gave me a job, how he trained me to do that job, how he empowered me in that job, how he showed me trust in my capabilities, how he gave me a foundation to stand on when going out in the real world that I could stand on, a foundation of trusting myself and my capabilities in the workplace. One career later I have a lot to thank him for (my brain comes from my mother).
- I remember him coming with me on a school fishing trip, the whole day out at sea!
- I remember how he always would tell me I looked nice, not matter what I was wearing, no matter how I was really looking, I always looked nice.
- I remember how he always liked the food I cooked, even when I thought it tasted like crap.
- I remember that he was always proud of us, me and my sister.
- I remember that he always supported me in everything, even when my decisions were bad, he was there.
I know that I had the best daddy in the world, all categories. I know that there is a space in my life that from now and until the end will be empty, I know that I am lucky to have had a dad, I had a dad for almost 33 years, I had a dad that I know loved me, cared for me, was proud of me and wanted me to have the world!
Since my dad got a disease that not that many people have heard of, me and my sister are doing our best to raise money for research, there is another blog for that, you can find it here!