Things change in life, we all know that, it happens to all of us. I’m just not dealing to well with change right now. I don’t think I realized before what a champion my dad was. Now when he’s gone I feel so lonely, because he was always on my side no matter what. Even in the last days of his decease, after I was made redundant from work he still had time and energy for me. I felt bad about being down around him because he was fighting a battle so much bigger than mine. He told me without issue that I wasn’t allowed to think like that, if I needed to vent he was there, and he was, until the day he couldn’t anymore.
This past weekend I was at our summer-house for the first time ever that I can remember, without him. I also realize that he left three women behind where, at least for me, the dynamics changed. I never realized before how alike my sister and my mother is, I never needed to think about it because I had a guy in my corner. No matter what! I had a guy in my corner! I don’t anymore, and I’m struggling.
I don’t think I ever realized how much my dad did for me, in the way of making me feel oki. I have not had a job before, then he was there making me think that I was good enough and I would be fine, I would find something new, because I was good enough. Now I don’t have a job, and I don’t have a person like him, reminding me that I am good enough. I just feel not good enough.
I sit and look at my phone sometimes, I want to talk and I can’t figure out who to call. I don’t want to be in the way, I don’t want to be a problem or an issue. Not that long ago I would have called my dad, and now I can’t, and I don’t know what to do. Who will be the person in my corner now? Who will tell me I’m good enough? Who will have that unconditional time for me?
I would do anything to have him back, and there is nothing I can do to make him be back. Still life goes on, roles needs to be redefined, or I hope they will be, because I don’t know how I will manage if they aren’t.