Posted in When life sucks

Wind of change

Things change in life, we all know that, it happens to all of us. I’m just not dealing to well with change right now. I don’t think I realized before what a champion my dad was. Now when he’s gone I feel so lonely, because he was always on my side no matter what. Even in the last days of his decease, after I was made redundant from work he still had time and energy for me. I felt bad about being down around him because he was fighting a battle so much bigger than mine. He told me without issue that I wasn’t allowed to think like that, if I needed to vent he was there, and he was, until the day he couldn’t anymore.

This past weekend I was at our summer-house for the first time ever that I can remember, without him. I also realize that he left three women behind where, at least for me, the dynamics changed. I never realized before how alike my sister and my mother is, I never needed to think about it because I had a guy in my corner. No matter what! I had a guy in my corner! I don’t anymore, and I’m struggling.

I don’t think I ever realized how much my dad did for me, in the way of making me feel oki. I have not had a job before, then he was there making me think that I was good enough and I would be fine, I would find something new, because I was good enough. Now I don’t have a job, and I don’t have a person like him, reminding me that I am good enough. I just feel not good enough.

I sit and look at my phone sometimes, I want to talk and I can’t figure out who to call. I don’t want to be in the way, I don’t want to be a problem or an issue. Not that long ago I would have called my dad, and now I can’t, and I don’t know what to do. Who will be the person in my corner now? Who will tell me I’m good enough? Who will have that unconditional time for me?

I would do anything to have him back, and there is nothing I can do to make him be back. Still life goes on, roles needs to be redefined, or I hope they will be, because I don’t know how I will manage if they aren’t.

One thought on “Wind of change

  1. Hoppas du vet att du alltid kan ringa mig, jag kanske inte alltid håller med dig men jag bryr mig. Å du är bra, de vet inte vad de missar. Kram


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