I’m fine, I really am. I go to work, a pay my bills, I hang out with my friends, I visit my family, I travel, I go to quiz night, I go to the movies, I go to the bar, sometimes I go to the gym, I go running, I go walking, I go biking, I make new friends, I stay home on the couch, I sleep to little, I sleep too much, I go on dates, I read, I take photos, I feed the spider, I do the dishes, I do the laundry, I make my bed, I clean, I vacuum.
I’m alive and I live my life. I live when my dad doesn’t and most of the time I’m fine. Then I’m not. Then I’m watching Greys anatomy episodes in the wrong order, the one where McDreamy dies and there is a girl who watched her dad die and I cry. Then the episode before is on the telly and the people who once was in a plane crash sit and say they are fine dealing with all the hurt people from another plane crash. They are not fine, they are actors. I’m again crying and realize that I’m not fine.
It’s not the first time I randomly start crying because of something that I see on TV, or a situation that I run into in real life that makes me miss my dad, think about the fact that he’s gone that just randomly make me cry. Or just sit down and feel like shit, and feel sorry for myself because he’s gone.
Over two years have passed and I have to realize that I’m not fine. I might be going through the motions of life, but am I really living when I can’t move past the fact that he’s gone for ever, I can’t replace him, he was one of a kind, and I just have to accept the fact that comfort, fall back and security of my life is gone.
I go through the motions of life and do it all right, more right than loads of people I think, but am I really alive when I’m still so stuck in my loss?
I proudly claim that I went through most, if not all, stages of mourning before I even lost my dad because he was sick for so long. I realize now, that if I did that, I would be over the bitterness I can feel at life for him loosing his. I would be over the questioning of life and the unfairness of other being alive when he’s not.
I’m not fine, however I go through enough motions of life for my surroundings to not question it, I even go enough motions for myself not to question it. Tonight, I solved my problems with a big batch of popcorn (of course with cayenne pepper as my Favourite Latte Mum thought me),