On Monday morning I woke up sad, seriously sad and all I wanted to do was to pull the cover over my head and pretend that the world didn’t exist, just stay in the dark. As the good girl I am, I pulled myself together, got over it and got up and made my way to school. Because that is what you are supposed to do, right, just get over it and go through the motions of your life, not let the sadness pull you down.
When I got home I spent the rest of the day on my couch crying. Why was I crying? Because the sadness inside just took over and left no energy or want for anything else. The bad part about spending a whole afternoon and evening crying is that everything that needs to be done doesn’t get done, the studying, the little things at home, and then that starts stressing you out, making you feel worse. You start thinking about all the things you should have done, feel bad because you haven’t done them and then you go to bed and find that sleep doesn’t want to hang out, because your mind is full of what a waste the afternoon has been.
Tuesday came and the sadness remained, I called in sick to work, I know that what I have doesn’t fall under the common definition of being sick. However with no ability to really stop crying, with no energy and with a temporary loss of the ability to sort out my thoughts, I wouldn’t have been able to do my work. After crying for a few hours, I called my sister, just to ask her for a couple of jokes in order to get a break from the crying, to smile a bit. She has the worst jokes, so you can’t help but smile at them, technically they aren’t funny haha jokes, they just make me smile. Of course she also asked why? Why am I sad? Making me have to think about what is making me feel this way. Of curse there is more than one thing in play here. It’s spring, spring is rebirth and new and the inner wanderer in me wants to wander, and I can’t really do it. I have signed up for a three-year degree, here, where I am right now. And I have made a commitment to actually complete this degree, to other people and to me, as it turns out that even with the working experience that I have no one wants to hire me to do the things I like doing and what I want to do in the future, if I don’t have a degree. So I have to accept that I will be staying here, in this apartment, in this area, in this country for the coming three years. It’s all about acceptance, and I have to find a way to accept that this is my life for now. So I suffer from growing pains, and growing pains hurt. Remember the pain from when you were kids? When your body hurt so bad from growing pains? That’s what I have,it’s just my mind not my body that hurts and it makes me cry, like a little child. That bring us to the next part of my sadness, I used to have a real good talking buddy about things like this. Someone that was a good listener, not sure he actually listened to all I said, I just know that he would listen and say the right things to make me feel better about the situation, helping me accept and see the big picture, remind me that it was a light at the end of the tunnel. This coming Sunday would have been his birthday if he still was around, the birthday together with me feeling unhappy just make me miss him even more, my dad. For so many years I just took for granted that he was just a phone call away not matter the subject, a failed relationship, arguments with friends, general unhappiness, a mean boss, he listened through it all. Of course I called him with good news as well, it wasn’t all the bad things. Like when I got my B on my exam a couple of weeks back, calling him would have been the first thing I did, because you could hear the pride in his voice, he was real good at that to. Of course we had our disagreements and arguments over the years as well, I was an annoying teenager once and after that he was my boss for a few years, so trust me it hasn’t always been pink clouds and unicorns. It’s just that I don’t miss that now for some reason.
Today it is Wednesday and I’m still crying, I still get nothing done and right now I’m working real hard telling me that it is ok, to not feel bad about being home yet another day, at the same time I have told myself that this have to be the last day. Tomorrow I will have to “get over it”, pull myself together and continue my life, I can’t accept that this goes on for another day. So today will be spent pulling myself together, baby steps, trying to do one small thing at a time, what do I need done? Read a couple of chapters in my textbook and do the exercises, I don’t want to fall behind in school. Now that I showed myself that I can be a B student (something pretty new for me, as I was never the one to get good grades in school) I want to have more of them, and for that I have to stay on track and keep studying. I need to sort out my home, do the dishes, make the bed, maybe a load of laundry. Small things that make me feel that I have accomplished something, that does do wonder for a person like me, in a mood like this. Maybe if the rain takes a break I can go for a short walk, get some fresh air and enjoy the nature, give my mind a chance to focus on something other than the things that are making me sad.
The sane part of my brain (there is a tiny chunk of that) is telling me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, on Friday me and my favourite latte mum is hitting the cinema (fingers crossed that her children stay well and happy), spending time with her is always nice. And then my sister is coming down for a visit, bringing that husband of hers and her little girls (hopefully they will be in a hugging mood so I can squeeze some hugs out of them, nieces-hugs are the best). Tomorrow night I can hit my favourite pub quiz, that usually does wonders for my mood as well. And generally I’m not unhappy with studying, it is interesting and I even find it fun at times. I’m in the process of making a new friend there as well, lets name her the study buddy. I even have a part-time job that I thoroughly enjoy, I just have to make it there. Life is good, it really is, it’s just different, and maybe not ultimately what I want. All the pictures are from the #100happydays challenge that I’m currently participating in.