When life sucks

R.I.P my little friend

When I was young teenager my daddy managed in some way or another to procure a tarantula. In the beginning she (or he as we thought) lived in my dad’s office and received the name August. In one way or another spidy managed to find her way home to our house and then apartment. Mother dearest blames that move on me for some reason, something about me claiming that spidy felt lonely living in the office.

August

Back in 2013 my dad, as some of you might already know, my dad passed away and to be honest, I’m impressed with how long it took before mother dearest called me and asked if Spidy could move in with me instead. I’m even more impressed with the fact that she drove her down here.

I can’t remember exactly when she moved in with me, she was introduced here on the blog in (funnily enough) in August that year…read all about it here.

Since then she’s been a lovely companion, a fantastic listener and often more interesting than the TV. Unfortunately yesterday when I woke up and turned her light on it was quite obvious that she wasn’t here anymore. Being me, I’ve spent the 24 hours after that in denial, trying to get her to move around by shaking the terrarium, spraying water and pouring water on her, nothing worked.

So today I just had to accept the fact that she is gone. I’ve been surprisingly upset about her departure, partly because she was my dads, so it’s just another part of him that’s gone. However, as my sister put it, now her daughters can draw a spider on the moon that they draw our dad on, apparently that’s where he’s hanging now a days. At least they have each other now.

I was considering (don’t judge me) to just put her and the terrarium in the trash. I just couldn’t get myself to do it, so I found her a little box. However, when I stood there by the terrarium I just couldn’t lift her out, it just made it so final. Fortunately Mr Grumpy Jr was out and about, so he could help me.

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We then took her to the park, and I’m really hoping that we didn’t break any laws here, and gave her a proper funeral.

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I now have a very empty terrarium and when I talk, I now talk to myself. I promised myself no more pets, however someone suggested a turtle…I’m not completely against the idea!

 

Life In General · When life sucks

One of my proudest moments…really

This morning I arrived home from a relaxing weekend in Denmark, and I should have realized that something would go wrong, the train ride home went without a hitch. I should have know!

As I was getting close to my building I started looking in my purse for my keys, and couldn’t find them, you know how it is; a purse full of crap (like 3d glasses for a grown-up and one pair for a child, receipts, and all sorts of other junk). As I’m standing infront of the front door, one of my neighbors was on her way out so she let me in, and I figured that I could just keep looking for the keys, my spare keys by the way, when I was inside in the warmth.

Apparently my staircase is being re-painted this week, so two painters had the pleasure of first seeing me turn my purse up-side-down, pouring the full contents on the floor. Not finding what was looking for, I did the same with my backpack – without luck! Thus, the keys, my spare keys, were no where to be found! Awesome start to the Monday morning.

I then proceed to try to call the buildings caretaker, since I’m pretty sure that he has a spare key of mine, he didn’t pick up the phone and the two painters, that was making quick progress up the stairs with the painting, informed me that the caretaker was on vacation in Sri Lanka for another week – no luck there and I was on my way to start looking for a locksmith.

That’s when I remembered that the company that provides me with a cleaning lady every other week has a copy of my key, so I proceeded to call them. It turns out that the cleaning lady comes in on Monday mornings to get all the keys for the weeks cleanings, and guess what! My apartment is being cleaned this week, so she had my key, she was also about an hour outside of the city not returning until this afternoon. However, as she is a bit closer than the caretaker, I figured that a key this afternoon would be better than no key – cleaning company promised to call when she had stopped by with the key.

Now what? I left Denmark at six in the morning to make sure that I made it in time for a nine o’clock meeting (at this point I had already called and informed my work about my complete lack of control of my house keys), and there was no way I was going to sit around outside my apartment until two (that was when the expected delivery of my key would take place) so I called my neighbor. She just happened to have a late day at work, so she could let me in so I could freshen up, leave my backpack and then bike of to work.

Now you think I’m one of those smart people that have my home key and my bike key on separate key chains, I don’t! It’s just that I have been running around with both my bike keys in my purse for about a month, brilliant!!!

It’s not the first time I lost keys, and probably wont be the last time…having a chip surgically inserted as well as a code lock on my door have been suggested! Now all I need is to have at least four copies made of the key I’m getting this afternoon, preferably as soon as possible. The only roadblock here might be that the only one that could write me a permission slip  to make  copies of my key is in Sri Lanka…

How has your Monday been this far?

The Dentist

Dear Dentist, I really don’t like you!

When I was a kid, I had no real problems with going to the dentist then something happened and a visit to the nice teeth person started to cause angst and tears. What happens then is that you avoid going as much as possible and only put your foot at the dentist when the pain is too much to bear. Something else that happens, unless you are a super lucky person with maximum quality teeth, is that your teeth start looking like shit.

So, for me there is a long list of things that needs to be fixed, and for the last couple of years my excuse have been the lack of money due to being a student. Unfortunately I can’t use that excuse anymore so it’s time to face my fears and get this mess of a mouth fixed.

With the help of google I found a dentist that claimed that he specialize in people with fear of the dentist, however most of them say that now a days with better and worse result. What made me go for this dude though was his free of charge meet and greet.

So a couple of weeks ago I went to meet him, no poking around in my mouth or anything like that, just a talk about what my issues with the dentist are and what it is that makes me so uncomfortable with the dentist. I know that there is very few people out there that like it, I however can’t eat for a full day because my tummy hurt so much, my heart is pounding, I’m sweating like a pig and want nothing else but cry, and this was only for the meet and greet.

Talking to Mr Dentist, I understood why he focused on people with the fear of the likes of him, as he was a very calm person that took note of the issues and told me I did a real good job as many of his patients would start crying the moment they entered his office. He impressed me enough for me to take the decision that he will be my new dentist, together with some other factors – like the fact that his office is right in between home and work so it’s easy access.

Thus last week, I found myself back there again, this time for a poking around and the dreaded list of all that has to be fixed. I could tell that he took notes the first time I was there, and that he studied those notes before I came back the second time so he could avoid the things that makes me the most uncomfortable. I was impressed!

The list of things to do is not as long as I feared, however I will still spend this autumn with running to the dentist, spending loads of my hard-earned money. I also decided that the system of rewards will be put in place, so after my visit I went to get myself a mani-pedi. Finishing the day in a massage chair with a person taking care of my hands and feet, reading gossip magazines kind of took away the bad feeling from the dentist.DSC_0709 DSC_0710

However, I can’t get mani-pedi every time I go, so anyone have any good ideas for rewards that I can give myself after the dentist? Next Wednesday I’m going to fix a cavity so will need something big!

When life sucks

My little runaway

Last Tuesday was a rough morning, I woke up a bit late to a crazy thunderstorm and realized pretty quickly that biking or walking to work wasn’t really an option, thus it would be the bus. The bus happens to take me quite some time and I would be totally late (since I already kind of was). So I’m running around like a little crazy, trying to find clothes to wear while brushing my teeth and all that other stuff that seem to take at least twice as long when you are late.

Finally I was ready, rain boots and rain jacket on, rushing out the door, with the door open my brain clicks, something is wrong. I walk back a few steps and realize that what my brain had registered was the tarantula sitting on top of the drawers that I have in my livingroom. And with that I mean on top of the drawers next to the terrarium and not in it.
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The first thing that pops into my mind is that some other tarantula magically managed to get into my apartment during the night and now was sitting there trying to get in to August for a cuddle so I actually check the terrarium to confirm that August is in there, she wasn’t.

I then checked the lid, which was on so my brain drew the natural conclusion that my spider now have managed to walk trough walls, ridiculous I know.

She wasn’t sitting still either and I got nervous that she would start climbing down, lose her way and fall down and die, so I got a bit freaked out. For you that don’t know it, I have a rather weird attachment to my spidy as it used to be my dads, so I’m freaking out a bit here.

It might be that she felt my stress and started to seem a bit agitated herself and not in the mood to be picked up and put back in the terrarium so I did the only thing I could think of. This being opening the lid, grabbing a big plastic box that I just happened to have standing around, and put it at the edge of the drawers, this way if she fell down it wouldn’t be that far.

Standing there with the box, staring at her, trying to will her to fly back in to the terrarium the magic happened. She turned around, saw her home on the other side of the glass and calmly climbed back in. The lid went back on, and a small rock added on top of it to ensure that the little runaway can’t get out again, and I headed to work.
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Looking back, I kind of regret that I didn’t take a minute to take a picture of the little runaway enjoying her short time in freedom, I admit that it was the last thing on my mind though as all I wanted to get her back in the terrarium where she is safe and sound.

When life sucks

Huston, we have a problem!

I’m fine, I really am. I go to work, a pay my bills, I hang out with my friends, I visit my family, I travel, I go to quiz night, I go to the movies, I go to the bar, sometimes I go to the gym, I go running, I go walking, I go biking, I make new friends, I stay home on the couch, I sleep to little, I sleep too much, I go on dates, I read, I take photos, I feed the spider, I do the dishes, I do the laundry, I make my bed, I clean, I vacuum.

I’m alive and I live my life. I live when my dad doesn’t and most of the time I’m fine. Then I’m not. Then I’m watching Greys anatomy episodes in the wrong order, the one where McDreamy dies and there is a girl who watched her dad die and I cry. Then the episode before is on the telly and the people who once was in a plane crash sit and say they are fine dealing with all the hurt people from another plane crash. They are not fine, they are actors. I’m again crying and realize that I’m not fine.

It’s not the first time I randomly start crying because of something that I see on TV, or a situation that I run into in real life that makes me miss my dad, think about the fact that he’s gone that just randomly make me cry. Or just sit down and feel like shit, and feel sorry for myself because he’s gone.

Over two years have passed and I have to realize that  I’m not fine. I might be going through the motions of life, but am I really living when I can’t move past the fact that he’s gone for ever, I can’t replace him, he was one of a kind, and I just have to accept the fact that comfort, fall back and security of my life is gone.

I go through the motions of life and do it all right, more right than loads of people I think, but am I really alive when I’m still so stuck in my loss?

I proudly claim that I went through most, if not all, stages of mourning before I even lost my dad because he was sick for so long. I realize now, that if I did that, I would be over the bitterness I can feel at life for him loosing his. I would be over the questioning of life and the unfairness of other being alive when he’s not.

I’m not fine, however I go through enough motions of life for my surroundings to not question it, I even go enough motions for myself not to question it. Tonight, I solved my problems with a big batch of popcorn (of course with cayenne pepper as my Favourite Latte Mum thought me),

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When life sucks

A big pain in the back

Since yesterday around lunch my back has been hurting like hell. It’s fine as long as I’m lying down. When I walk, sit or bike on the other hand, it’s just hurting like crazy.
I have, as my generation do, googled pain in the back and the internet recommends not resting or lying down, no one should move, exercise and try to keep your back straight (ouch!), so as the internet is always right I tried taking the stairs down rather than the elevator.
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Can’t say it worked that well, every time I put my foot on the next step the pain just rushed through my back!
Other recommendations have been painkillers and stretching my bum. Do you have any good ideas on how to deal with the pain? The internet also said that there’s no need to call your doctor until the pain has been around for about two weeks. I strongly hope that the pain will be gone way before that. Maybe a glass of red wine with dinner tonight, wine solves everything doesn’t it?

When life sucks

Growing pains

On Monday morning I woke up sad, seriously sad and all I wanted to do was to pull the cover over my head and pretend that the world didn’t exist, just stay in the dark. As the good girl I am, I pulled myself together, got over it and got up and made my way to school. Because that is what you are supposed to do, right, just get over it and go through the motions of your life, not let the sadness pull you down.

When I got home I spent the rest of the day on my couch crying. Why was I crying? Because the sadness inside just took over and left no energy or want for anything else. The bad part about spending a whole afternoon and evening crying is that everything that needs to be done doesn’t get done, the studying, the little things at home, and then that starts stressing you out, making you feel worse. You start thinking about all the things you should have done, feel bad because you haven’t done them and  then you go to bed and find that sleep doesn’t want to hang out, because your mind is full of what a waste the afternoon has been.

Tuesday came and the sadness remained, I called in sick to work, I know that what I have doesn’t fall under the common definition of being sick. However with no ability to really stop crying, with no energy and with a temporary loss of the ability to sort out my thoughts, I wouldn’t have been able to do my work. After crying for a few hours, I called my sister, just to ask her for a couple of jokes in order to get a break from the crying, to smile a bit. She has the worst jokes, so you can’t help but smile at them, technically they aren’t funny haha jokes, they just make me smile. Of course she also asked why? Why am I sad? Making me have to think about what is making me feel this way. Of curse there is more than one thing in play here.Day 3 It’s spring, spring is rebirth and new and the inner wanderer in me wants to wander, and I can’t really do it. I have signed up for a three-year degree, here, where I am right now. And I have made a commitment to actually complete this degree, to other people and to me, as it turns out that even with the working experience that I have no one wants to hire me to do the things I like doing and what I want to do in the future, if I don’t have a degree. So I have to accept that I will be staying here, in this apartment, in this area, in this country for the coming three years. It’s all about acceptance, and I have to find a way to accept that this is my life for now. So I suffer from growing pains, and growing pains hurt. Remember the pain from when you were kids? When your body hurt so bad from growing pains? That’s what I have,it’s just my mind not my body that hurts and it makes me cry, like a little child. wpid-IMG_20140305_231939.jpg That bring us to the next part of my sadness, I used to have a real good  talking buddy about things like this. Someone that was a good listener, not sure he actually listened to all I said, I just know that he would listen and say the right things to make me feel better about the situation, helping me accept and see the big picture, remind me that it was a light at the end of the tunnel. This coming Sunday would have been his birthday if he still was around, the birthday together with me feeling unhappy just make me miss him even more, my dad. For so many years I just took for granted that he was just a phone call away not matter the subject, a failed relationship, arguments with friends, general unhappiness, a mean boss, he listened through it all. Of course I called him with good news as well, it wasn’t all the bad things. Like when I got my B on my exam a couple of weeks back, calling him would have been the first thing I did, because you could hear the pride in his voice, he was real good at that to. Of course we had our disagreements and arguments over the years as well, I was an annoying teenager once and after that he was my boss for a few years, so trust me it hasn’t always been pink clouds and unicorns. It’s just that I don’t miss that now for some reason.

Today it is Wednesday and I’m still crying, I still get nothing done and right now I’m working real hard telling me that it is ok, to not feel bad about being home yet another day, at the same time I have told myself that this have to be the last day. Tomorrow I will have to “get over it”, pull myself together and continue my life, I can’t accept that this goes on for another day.Day 7 So today will be spent pulling myself together, baby steps, trying to do one small thing at a time, what do I need done? Read a couple of chapters in my textbook and do the exercises, I don’t want to fall behind in school. Now that I showed myself that I can be a B student (something pretty new for me, as I was never the one to get good grades in school) I want to have more of them, and for that I have to stay on track and keep studying. I need to sort out my home, do the dishes, make the bed, maybe a load of laundry. Small things that make me feel that I have accomplished something, that does do wonder for a person like me, in a mood like this. Maybe if the rain takes a break I can go for a short walk, get some fresh air and enjoy the nature, give my mind a chance to focus on something other than the things that are making me sad.

The sane part of my brain (there is a tiny chunk of that) is telling me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, on Friday me and my favourite latte mum is hitting the cinema (fingers crossed that her children stay well and happy), spending time with her is always nice. And then my sister is coming down for a visit, bringing that husband of hers and her little girls (hopefully they will be in a hugging mood so I can squeeze some hugs out of them, nieces-hugs are the best). Tomorrow night I can hit my favourite pub quiz, that usually does wonders for my mood as well. And generally I’m not unhappy with studying, it is interesting and I even find it fun at times. I’m in the process of making a new friend there as well, lets name her the study buddy. I even have a part-time job that I thoroughly enjoy, I just have to make it there. Life is good, it really is, it’s just different, and maybe not ultimately what I want. Day 11All the pictures are from the #100happydays challenge that I’m currently participating in.